TCSE: Ted Corpus Search Engine

Recorded at	May 18, 2020
Event	TED2020
Duration (min:sec)	07:00
Video Type	TED Stage Talk
Words per minute	175.65 medium
Readability (FK)	63.31 easy
Speaker	Jeremy Brewer


1	00:13	I'm not sure what you might think when you think about the job of a police officer.
2	00:18	Recent events have sparked lots of debate over the role of law enforcement in our society and if it should change.
3	00:25	And that's a big, important conversation that we all need have.
4	00:29	But today I'd like to talk about something that's at the core to my day-to-day work -- something not often discussed when talking about police work, and that's dealing with trauma, hurt and loss.
5	00:42	What's it like to tell someone -- someone that they know, someone that they love died suddenly?
6	00:48	Many of you might think this is done by hospitals or doctors.
7	00:52	If you die there, well, it usually is.
8	00:54	If you die outside the hospital, it's more often than not the police who notify that nearest loved one.
9	01:02	Doing that type of work has taught me powerful lessons on approaching highly charged situations in all areas of my life.
10	01:11	My passion to connect started about 10 years ago.
11	01:15	I responded to a death call that changed me.
12	01:19	A woman -- let's call her Vicky.
13	01:21	Vicky called because her husband had suddenly collapsed in the hallway of their home.
14	01:26	The first responders and I tried everything.
15	01:28	We gave it our best effort, but he died.
16	01:33	In complete devastation, Vicky fell to the floor.
17	01:37	Instantly, I could feel us strapping on that emotional armor, going right to work on policies and procedures.
18	01:45	I began peppering her with questions like detailed medical history and funeral home arrangements.
19	01:51	Questions that she couldn't possibly have been prepared to answer.
20	01:56	In an empathetic gesture, I reached down and I put my hand on her shoulder.
21	02:01	She flinched and pulled away.
22	02:04	Suddenly, her neighbor came running in and instantly hugged her.
23	02:10	Vicky pushed her away too.
24	02:12	The neighbor seemed stunned, a little put off, and she walked back out.
25	02:18	Then, to make matters worse, the medical examiner's office, carrying the body bag holding her husband, dropped it down a flight of stairs, crashing into a decorative end table.
26	02:33	I will never forget the sound of her voice when she looked at me and said, "I wish I never called."
27	02:41	I felt awful.
28	02:44	Being confronted with death can be difficult for everyone.
29	02:48	Often we rely solely on our instincts to help guide us.
30	02:52	In law enforcement, we tend to put up an emotional shield, a barrier to emotions.
31	02:57	That way we can focus on policies and procedures to guide us.
32	03:02	This is why we can sometimes come across as robotic.
33	03:06	I've discovered that in the civilian world, you're often driven by that instinct to fix it, usually done with well-intended comments or physical touch.
34	03:16	Sometimes that may be that right answer.
35	03:20	Other times, not.
36	03:23	Had I slowed down and just taken a breath, I would have been better able to connect to the humanity of that moment.
37	03:31	I could have avoided that policy and procedure, check-the-box mentality.
38	03:35	Her neighbor, had she slowed down, just taken a breath, she may have been able to see that in that moment, Vicky just wasn't prepared for touch.
39	03:46	Our hearts may have been in the right place, but we made it about us instead of focusing on her.
40	03:54	In complete contrast, more recently, I met a woman -- let's call her Monica.
41	04:00	I was tasked to tell Monica that her husband had tragically taken his own life.
42	04:06	She fell to the floor crying so hard she could barely breathe.
43	04:10	The gravity of that moment was so strong, but I knew I needed to resist that urge to move in and to comfort her.
44	04:18	That sounds crazy, right?
45	04:20	Honestly, it's excruciating.
46	04:22	In your mind and in your heart, you just want to hug this person.
47	04:26	But I stopped myself.
48	04:28	Having been around trauma for over 20 years, I will tell you not everybody is comfortable with human touch.
49	04:35	There are people all over the world suffering from physical or psychological trauma you may know nothing about.
50	04:42	Who knows what they're thinking or feeling in those moments.
51	04:46	If I move in, if I touch her like I did Vicky, I could unintentionally revictimize her all over again.
52	04:56	Think: respect space.
53	04:58	Be guided by respect space.
54	05:00	It's a simple concept with a huge impact.
55	05:03	You can't step into that space until you're invited.
56	05:09	So I sat across from Monica, silent, eye level, just feeling that moment.
57	05:17	My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it.
58	05:19	That lump in my throat?
59	05:21	Ugh, I -- I could barely swallow.
60	05:23	And you know what?
61	05:25	That's OK.
62	05:28	Emotions and vulnerability can be so hard for some people.
63	05:32	I understand that.
64	05:34	But in human moments, people want human.
65	05:37	They don't want a robotic police officer or to be talking about paperwork.
66	05:41	They just want another human to connect to them.
67	05:46	As we sat together, she asked me one question over and over and over again.
68	05:52	"What am I supposed to tell my kids?"
69	05:55	One of the most important parts of respecting space is not always having to have an answer.
70	06:01	I could feel she didn't want me to answer that question.
71	06:05	She didn't want me to try to fix that unfixable moment.
72	06:07	She wanted me to connect to the depth of that experience she was going through.
73	06:13	Yes, I had a job to do.
74	06:14	And when the time was right, I asked the questions that needed to be answered, but I did it at her pace.
75	06:22	Responding to death calls has taught me so much about the human experience and the best ways to be there for somebody when they need you the most.
76	06:31	But it doesn't always have to be when dealing with death.
77	06:34	There's never a bad time to build a connection.
78	06:37	Hearing a private revelation from a friend, you could be such a better listener.
79	06:42	In an argument with a loved one, by just stepping back and giving that respect space, you could better connect to their side of an issue.
80	06:50	You may never be asked to tell a complete stranger that their loved one died, but we all have the opportunity to be the best, most connected versions of ourselves, especially in times of need.
81	07:03	That respect space that you provide another can have a life-changing effect on the people around you.
82	07:11	Thank you.

Jeremy Brewer: A strategy for supporting and listening to others