TCSE: Ted Corpus Search Engine

Recorded at	May 18, 2020
Event	TED2020
Duration (min:sec)	07:04
Video Type	TED Stage Talk
Words per minute	174.2 medium
Readability (FK)	63.31 very easy
Speaker	Jeremy Brewer


1	00:03	I'm not sure what you might think
2	00:05	when you think about the job of a police officer.
3	00:07	Recent events have sparked lots of debate over the role of law enforcement
4	00:11	in our society
5	00:13	and if it should change.
6	00:14	And that's a big, important conversation that we all need have.
7	00:19	But today I'd like to talk about something
8	00:21	that's at the core to my day-to-day work --
9	00:24	something not often discussed when talking about police work,
10	00:27	and that's dealing with trauma, hurt and loss.
11	00:31	What's it like to tell someone --
12	00:33	someone that they know,
13	00:35	someone that they love died suddenly?
14	00:38	Many of you might think this is done by hospitals or doctors.
15	00:41	If you die there, well, it usually is.
16	00:44	If you die outside the hospital,
17	00:47	it's more often than not the police who notify that nearest loved one.
18	00:51	Doing that type of work has taught me powerful lessons
19	00:55	on approaching highly charged situations in all areas of my life.
20	01:01	My passion to connect started about 10 years ago.
21	01:04	I responded to a death call that changed me.
22	01:08	A woman -- let's call her Vicky.
23	01:11	Vicky called because her husband had suddenly collapsed
24	01:14	in the hallway of their home.
25	01:15	The first responders and I tried everything.
26	01:18	We gave it our best effort,
27	01:21	but he died.
28	01:23	In complete devastation,
29	01:25	Vicky fell to the floor.
30	01:27	Instantly, I could feel us strapping on that emotional armor,
31	01:31	going right to work on policies and procedures.
32	01:35	I began peppering her with questions like detailed medical history
33	01:38	and funeral home arrangements.
34	01:41	Questions that she couldn't possibly have been prepared to answer.
35	01:46	In an empathetic gesture,
36	01:47	I reached down and I put my hand on her shoulder.
37	01:51	She flinched and pulled away.
38	01:53	Suddenly, her neighbor came running in
39	01:57	and instantly hugged her.
40	02:00	Vicky pushed her away too.
41	02:02	The neighbor seemed stunned,
42	02:04	a little put off,
43	02:05	and she walked back out.
44	02:07	Then, to make matters worse,
45	02:10	the medical examiner's office,
46	02:12	carrying the body bag holding her husband,
47	02:15	dropped it down a flight of stairs,
48	02:19	crashing into a decorative end table.
49	02:23	I will never forget the sound of her voice
50	02:26	when she looked at me and said,
51	02:29	"I wish I never called."
52	02:31	I felt awful.
53	02:34	Being confronted with death can be difficult for everyone.
54	02:38	Often we rely solely on our instincts to help guide us.
55	02:42	In law enforcement,
56	02:43	we tend to put up an emotional shield,
57	02:45	a barrier to emotions.
58	02:47	That way we can focus on policies and procedures
59	02:50	to guide us.
60	02:51	This is why we can sometimes come across as robotic.
61	02:56	I've discovered that in the civilian world,
62	02:58	you're often driven by that instinct to fix it,
63	03:01	usually done with well-intended comments or physical touch.
64	03:06	Sometimes that may be that right answer.
65	03:10	Other times, not.
66	03:13	Had I slowed down and just taken a breath,
67	03:17	I would have been better able to connect to the humanity of that moment.
68	03:20	I could have avoided that policy and procedure, check-the-box mentality.
69	03:25	Her neighbor, had she slowed down,
70	03:28	just taken a breath,
71	03:29	she may have been able to see that in that moment,
72	03:32	Vicky just wasn't prepared for touch.
73	03:36	Our hearts may have been in the right place,
74	03:38	but we made it about us instead of focusing on her.
75	03:43	In complete contrast,
76	03:45	more recently,
77	03:46	I met a woman -- let's call her Monica.
78	03:50	I was tasked to tell Monica
79	03:52	that her husband had tragically taken his own life.
80	03:56	She fell to the floor crying so hard she could barely breathe.
81	04:00	The gravity of that moment was so strong,
82	04:03	but I knew I needed to resist that urge to move in
83	04:06	and to comfort her.
84	04:08	That sounds crazy, right?
85	04:10	Honestly, it's excruciating.
86	04:11	In your mind and in your heart, you just want to hug this person.
87	04:15	But I stopped myself.
88	04:18	Having been around trauma for over 20 years,
89	04:20	I will tell you
90	04:22	not everybody is comfortable with human touch.
91	04:25	There are people all over the world
92	04:26	suffering from physical or psychological trauma
93	04:29	you may know nothing about.
94	04:32	Who knows what they're thinking or feeling in those moments.
95	04:36	If I move in,
96	04:37	if I touch her like I did Vicky,
97	04:40	I could unintentionally revictimize her all over again.
98	04:46	Think: respect space.
99	04:48	Be guided by respect space.
100	04:50	It's a simple concept with a huge impact.
101	04:53	You can't step into that space until you're invited.
102	04:59	So I sat across from Monica,
103	05:01	silent,
104	05:03	eye level,
105	05:04	just feeling that moment.
106	05:06	My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it.
107	05:09	That lump in my throat?
108	05:11	Ugh, I -- I could barely swallow.
109	05:13	And you know what?
110	05:15	That's OK.
111	05:18	Emotions and vulnerability can be so hard for some people.
112	05:22	I understand that.
113	05:24	But in human moments, people want human.
114	05:27	They don't want a robotic police officer or to be talking about paperwork.
115	05:31	They just want another human to connect to them.
116	05:35	As we sat together,
117	05:37	she asked me one question over and over and over again.
118	05:42	"What am I supposed to tell my kids?"
119	05:45	One of the most important parts of respecting space
120	05:48	is not always having to have an answer.
121	05:51	I could feel she didn't want me to answer that question.
122	05:54	She didn't want me to try to fix that unfixable moment.
123	05:57	She wanted me to connect to the depth of that experience
124	06:01	she was going through.
125	06:02	Yes, I had a job to do.
126	06:04	And when the time was right,
127	06:06	I asked the questions that needed to be answered,
128	06:09	but I did it at her pace.
129	06:12	Responding to death calls has taught me so much about the human experience
130	06:16	and the best ways to be there for somebody when they need you the most.
131	06:21	But it doesn't always have to be when dealing with death.
132	06:24	There's never a bad time to build a connection.
133	06:27	Hearing a private revelation from a friend,
134	06:29	you could be such a better listener.
135	06:32	In an argument with a loved one,
136	06:34	by just stepping back and giving that respect space,
137	06:37	you could better connect to their side of an issue.
138	06:40	You may never be asked to tell a complete stranger
139	06:43	that their loved one died,
140	06:45	but we all have the opportunity
141	06:47	to be the best, most connected versions of ourselves,
142	06:50	especially in times of need.
143	06:53	That respect space that you provide another
144	06:56	can have a life-changing effect on the people around you.
145	07:01	Thank you.

Jeremy Brewer: A strategy for supporting and listening to others