Recorded at | May 18, 2020 |
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Event | TED2020 |
Duration (min:sec) | 07:00 |
Video Type | TED Stage Talk |
Words per minute | 175.65 medium |
Readability (FK) | 63.31 very easy |
Speaker | Jeremy Brewer |
Official TED page for this talk
Synopsis
As a police officer, Jeremy Brewer interacts with individuals experiencing trauma and loss on a daily basis. Giving us a peek into this little-discussed aspect of the job, Brewer shares thoughtful insights on why respecting people's space is sometimes more important than trying to fix an unfixable moment -- and explains how you can use this approach to support someone when they need you the most.
1 | 00:13 | I'm not sure what you might think | ||
2 | 00:15 | when you think about the job of a police officer. | ||
3 | 00:18 | Recent events have sparked lots of debate over the role of law enforcement | ||
4 | 00:21 | in our society | ||
5 | 00:23 | and if it should change. | ||
6 | 00:25 | And that's a big, important conversation that we all need have. | ||
7 | 00:29 | But today I'd like to talk about something | ||
8 | 00:32 | that's at the core to my day-to-day work -- | ||
9 | 00:34 | something not often discussed when talking about police work, | ||
10 | 00:38 | and that's dealing with trauma, hurt and loss. | ||
11 | 00:42 | What's it like to tell someone -- | ||
12 | 00:43 | someone that they know, | ||
13 | 00:45 | someone that they love died suddenly? | ||
14 | 00:48 | Many of you might think this is done by hospitals or doctors. | ||
15 | 00:52 | If you die there, well, it usually is. | ||
16 | 00:54 | If you die outside the hospital, | ||
17 | 00:57 | it's more often than not the police who notify that nearest loved one. | ||
18 | 01:02 | Doing that type of work has taught me powerful lessons | ||
19 | 01:06 | on approaching highly charged situations in all areas of my life. | ||
20 | 01:11 | My passion to connect started about 10 years ago. | ||
21 | 01:15 | I responded to a death call that changed me. | ||
22 | 01:19 | A woman -- let's call her Vicky. | ||
23 | 01:21 | Vicky called because her husband had suddenly collapsed | ||
24 | 01:24 | in the hallway of their home. | ||
25 | 01:26 | The first responders and I tried everything. | ||
26 | 01:28 | We gave it our best effort, | ||
27 | 01:31 | but he died. | ||
28 | 01:33 | In complete devastation, | ||
29 | 01:35 | Vicky fell to the floor. | ||
30 | 01:37 | Instantly, I could feel us strapping on that emotional armor, | ||
31 | 01:42 | going right to work on policies and procedures. | ||
32 | 01:45 | I began peppering her with questions like detailed medical history | ||
33 | 01:48 | and funeral home arrangements. | ||
34 | 01:51 | Questions that she couldn't possibly have been prepared to answer. | ||
35 | 01:56 | In an empathetic gesture, | ||
36 | 01:58 | I reached down and I put my hand on her shoulder. | ||
37 | 02:01 | She flinched and pulled away. | ||
38 | 02:04 | Suddenly, her neighbor came running in | ||
39 | 02:07 | and instantly hugged her. | ||
40 | 02:10 | Vicky pushed her away too. | ||
41 | 02:12 | The neighbor seemed stunned, | ||
42 | 02:14 | a little put off, | ||
43 | 02:16 | and she walked back out. | ||
44 | 02:18 | Then, to make matters worse, | ||
45 | 02:20 | the medical examiner's office, | ||
46 | 02:22 | carrying the body bag holding her husband, | ||
47 | 02:25 | dropped it down a flight of stairs, | ||
48 | 02:29 | crashing into a decorative end table. | ||
49 | 02:33 | I will never forget the sound of her voice | ||
50 | 02:36 | when she looked at me and said, | ||
51 | 02:39 | "I wish I never called." | ||
52 | 02:41 | I felt awful. | ||
53 | 02:44 | Being confronted with death can be difficult for everyone. | ||
54 | 02:48 | Often we rely solely on our instincts to help guide us. | ||
55 | 02:52 | In law enforcement, | ||
56 | 02:53 | we tend to put up an emotional shield, | ||
57 | 02:55 | a barrier to emotions. | ||
58 | 02:57 | That way we can focus on policies and procedures | ||
59 | 03:00 | to guide us. | ||
60 | 03:02 | This is why we can sometimes come across as robotic. | ||
61 | 03:06 | I've discovered that in the civilian world, | ||
62 | 03:08 | you're often driven by that instinct to fix it, | ||
63 | 03:12 | usually done with well-intended comments or physical touch. | ||
64 | 03:16 | Sometimes that may be that right answer. | ||
65 | 03:20 | Other times, not. | ||
66 | 03:23 | Had I slowed down and just taken a breath, | ||
67 | 03:27 | I would have been better able to connect to the humanity of that moment. | ||
68 | 03:31 | I could have avoided that policy and procedure, check-the-box mentality. | ||
69 | 03:35 | Her neighbor, had she slowed down, | ||
70 | 03:38 | just taken a breath, | ||
71 | 03:39 | she may have been able to see that in that moment, | ||
72 | 03:43 | Vicky just wasn't prepared for touch. | ||
73 | 03:46 | Our hearts may have been in the right place, | ||
74 | 03:48 | but we made it about us instead of focusing on her. | ||
75 | 03:54 | In complete contrast, | ||
76 | 03:55 | more recently, | ||
77 | 03:57 | I met a woman -- let's call her Monica. | ||
78 | 04:00 | I was tasked to tell Monica | ||
79 | 04:02 | that her husband had tragically taken his own life. | ||
80 | 04:06 | She fell to the floor crying so hard she could barely breathe. | ||
81 | 04:10 | The gravity of that moment was so strong, | ||
82 | 04:13 | but I knew I needed to resist that urge to move in | ||
83 | 04:17 | and to comfort her. | ||
84 | 04:18 | That sounds crazy, right? | ||
85 | 04:20 | Honestly, it's excruciating. | ||
86 | 04:22 | In your mind and in your heart, you just want to hug this person. | ||
87 | 04:26 | But I stopped myself. | ||
88 | 04:28 | Having been around trauma for over 20 years, | ||
89 | 04:30 | I will tell you | ||
90 | 04:32 | not everybody is comfortable with human touch. | ||
91 | 04:35 | There are people all over the world | ||
92 | 04:36 | suffering from physical or psychological trauma | ||
93 | 04:40 | you may know nothing about. | ||
94 | 04:42 | Who knows what they're thinking or feeling in those moments. | ||
95 | 04:46 | If I move in, | ||
96 | 04:47 | if I touch her like I did Vicky, | ||
97 | 04:50 | I could unintentionally revictimize her all over again. | ||
98 | 04:56 | Think: respect space. | ||
99 | 04:58 | Be guided by respect space. | ||
100 | 05:00 | It's a simple concept with a huge impact. | ||
101 | 05:03 | You can't step into that space until you're invited. | ||
102 | 05:09 | So I sat across from Monica, | ||
103 | 05:11 | silent, | ||
104 | 05:13 | eye level, | ||
105 | 05:14 | just feeling that moment. | ||
106 | 05:17 | My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it. | ||
107 | 05:19 | That lump in my throat? | ||
108 | 05:21 | Ugh, I -- I could barely swallow. | ||
109 | 05:23 | And you know what? | ||
110 | 05:25 | That's OK. | ||
111 | 05:28 | Emotions and vulnerability can be so hard for some people. | ||
112 | 05:32 | I understand that. | ||
113 | 05:34 | But in human moments, people want human. | ||
114 | 05:37 | They don't want a robotic police officer or to be talking about paperwork. | ||
115 | 05:41 | They just want another human to connect to them. | ||
116 | 05:46 | As we sat together, | ||
117 | 05:47 | she asked me one question over and over and over again. | ||
118 | 05:52 | "What am I supposed to tell my kids?" | ||
119 | 05:55 | One of the most important parts of respecting space | ||
120 | 05:58 | is not always having to have an answer. | ||
121 | 06:01 | I could feel she didn't want me to answer that question. | ||
122 | 06:05 | She didn't want me to try to fix that unfixable moment. | ||
123 | 06:07 | She wanted me to connect to the depth of that experience | ||
124 | 06:11 | she was going through. | ||
125 | 06:13 | Yes, I had a job to do. | ||
126 | 06:14 | And when the time was right, | ||
127 | 06:16 | I asked the questions that needed to be answered, | ||
128 | 06:19 | but I did it at her pace. | ||
129 | 06:22 | Responding to death calls has taught me so much about the human experience | ||
130 | 06:27 | and the best ways to be there for somebody when they need you the most. | ||
131 | 06:31 | But it doesn't always have to be when dealing with death. | ||
132 | 06:34 | There's never a bad time to build a connection. | ||
133 | 06:37 | Hearing a private revelation from a friend, | ||
134 | 06:40 | you could be such a better listener. | ||
135 | 06:42 | In an argument with a loved one, | ||
136 | 06:44 | by just stepping back and giving that respect space, | ||
137 | 06:47 | you could better connect to their side of an issue. | ||
138 | 06:50 | You may never be asked to tell a complete stranger | ||
139 | 06:53 | that their loved one died, | ||
140 | 06:55 | but we all have the opportunity | ||
141 | 06:57 | to be the best, most connected versions of ourselves, | ||
142 | 07:00 | especially in times of need. | ||
143 | 07:03 | That respect space that you provide another | ||
144 | 07:06 | can have a life-changing effect on the people around you. | ||
145 | 07:11 | Thank you. |