TCSE: Ted Corpus Search Engine

Recorded at	September 21, 2019
Event	TEDxSaltLakeCity
Duration (min:sec)	12:42
Video Type	TEDx Talk
Words per minute	154.29 slow
Readability (FK)	48.18 difficult
Speaker	Sara Jones


1	00:12	When I was three years old,
2	00:14	I was transracially adopted from South Korea
3	00:17	by a white family in Salt Lake City, Utah.
4	00:21	I arrived in America with a mysterious tattoo on my left forearm.
5	00:26	The tattoo was so large and noticeable
6	00:28	that my adoptive parents had it surgically removed right away.
7	00:32	They were worried that other kids would make fun of it.
8	00:35	Today, there's only a light scar where the tattoo once was,
9	00:38	so I've redrawn it in permanent marker so you can see what it looked like.
10	00:43	Korean adoption records in 1976 were notoriously incomplete.
11	00:49	I didn't have any information about my background
12	00:52	or my birth family.
13	00:53	I didn't even know if my name or birth date were real
14	00:58	or if they were assigned.
15	01:00	And no one knew what my tattoo meant.
16	01:04	Transracial adoption is where a child from one race or ethnicity
17	01:08	is adopted by parents from a different race or ethnicity.
18	01:12	In my generation, children who were adopted from Korea
19	01:15	were assimilated into the culture of their adoptive parents.
20	01:19	So I was raised as if I were white.
21	01:23	Growing up, occasionally my family would eat at a Korean restaurant,
22	01:26	or we'd go to the Asian festival.
23	01:29	But I did not identify with being Asian.
24	01:33	Looking back now,
25	01:35	having my tattoo removed is symbolic of losing a connection
26	01:38	with my Korean ethnicity and culture.
27	01:43	And I am not alone.
28	01:44	Since the 1950s, almost 200,000 Korean children have been adopted
29	01:49	all over the world.
30	01:51	A growing body of research shows that children experience trauma
31	01:55	when they're separated from their families of origin.
32	01:58	My story includes such childhood trauma.
33	02:02	I recently found out that my birth mother
34	02:05	left my family shortly after I was born.
35	02:08	When I was two years old, my birth father became injured
36	02:11	and could not provide for my brothers and me.
37	02:15	And so my two older brothers and I were sent to children welfare services.
38	02:19	And there, someone decided, because I was younger,
39	02:25	that I was more adoptable.
40	02:29	And so, I was sent to a separate orphanage,
41	02:32	separated from my brothers who cared for me.
42	02:36	My adoption records say that I wouldn't play
43	02:39	with any of the other children at the orphanage,
44	02:42	and now I know why.
45	02:44	My adoption photos show the picture of a frightened, malnourished little girl.
46	02:51	Just imagine my culture shock a short and lonely nine months later,
47	02:55	as I arrived in America,
48	02:57	where everything was different:
49	03:00	the people,
50	03:02	the buildings,
51	03:03	the food
52	03:04	and the clothing.
53	03:07	As a three-year-old child, I quickly figured out
54	03:09	that no one spoke the Korean language that I spoke,
55	03:12	and so I stopped speaking altogether for six months.
56	03:16	And when I started speaking again, it was in full English.
57	03:21	One of the first phrases I said
58	03:22	as my parents showed me my orphanage photos
59	03:26	was, "Sara sad."
60	03:31	Children who are adopted often put up emotional walls
61	03:34	to protect themselves from being hurt again.
62	03:36	I certainly did this,
63	03:38	and like many transracially adopted children,
64	03:40	there were many moments growing up where I wished that I was white
65	03:44	like the other kids around me.
66	03:46	Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose.
67	03:50	Now, the '80s styles were particularly brutal to me,
68	03:53	with glasses that didn't fit well,
69	03:55	hairstyles --
70	03:56	(Laughter)
71	03:57	that looked ridiculous on me.
72	04:00	(Laughter)
73	04:03	This narrative of adoption might be uncomfortable for you to hear.
74	04:08	The narrative that we usually hear is that of a new parent,
75	04:12	who is eagerly awaiting a child that they've been wanting for so long.
76	04:17	The parents' story is told with love, joy and excitement,
77	04:20	and as they bring a newly adopted child into their home,
78	04:24	family and friends celebrate and congratulate the parents
79	04:27	on their wonderful decision to adopt.
80	04:31	My parents' adoption story was like a beautiful blanket that kept me warm.
81	04:37	But after a while, it felt like the focus was more on the blanket,
82	04:41	covering me and my point of view entirely.
83	04:44	I couldn't emotionally breathe.
84	04:48	My parents would say things to me like,
85	04:50	"I fell in love with you the first time I saw your photo.
86	04:54	My heart broke."
87	04:58	They love me, I know that, and I was wanted.
88	05:03	But I wish that the only birth story I had wasn't so sad,
89	05:08	so humanitarian.
90	05:11	I would often confuse love with gratitude,
91	05:13	especially when other people would say things to me like,
92	05:16	"You're so lucky to be adopted to America,"
93	05:20	or, "Your parents are such angels to adopt you."
94	05:25	To a child, it felt like these comments were constant reminders to be grateful
95	05:29	to my parents' charity.
96	05:31	I resented that I couldn't tell these adults,
97	05:33	"I don't like being reminded all the time that I'm adopted.
98	05:36	I just want to be a normal kid,
99	05:39	and maybe even be ungrateful once in a while."
100	05:43	(Laughter)
101	05:46	But I learned to smile without really smiling,
102	05:49	and as I grew older, I wanted to be able to say,
103	05:52	"Sara is still sad."
104	05:55	But I buried my feelings, and it wasn't until later in life
105	05:58	that I realized I'd never really grieved my own adoption.
106	06:03	While many of us understand that adopting a child
107	06:06	from a different race, culture or country is never simple,
108	06:09	we rarely acknowledge the complex emotions
109	06:12	that children who are adopted can experience.
110	06:15	Some children experience feelings of loss,
111	06:18	feelings of rejection,
112	06:20	grief,
113	06:21	shame,
114	06:23	guilt,
115	06:24	challenges with identity,
116	06:27	difficulty with intimacy
117	06:28	and control issues.
118	06:30	Just ask my kids.
119	06:32	(Laughter)
120	06:33	Children who are adopted can still love their adoptive parents
121	06:39	at the same time as experiencing these complex emotions.
122	06:43	And many of us wonder: If we had had safe emotional spaces
123	06:46	to own our own stories when we were younger,
124	06:51	would we still be struggling to come to terms with adoption as adults?
125	06:56	Where do we find the emotional oxygen to own our own stories?
126	07:03	Since the late 1990s and early 2000s,
127	07:06	researchers like Dr. Richard Lee have focused on different parenting techniques
128	07:10	for transracial adoption.
129	07:12	The hope is to help children and their adoptive parents
130	07:15	better adapt to their unique racial and ethnic circumstances.
131	07:19	There's more enculturation encouraged,
132	07:22	that exposes children to the people,
133	07:24	places, languages and culture of their birth families.
134	07:28	Some parents focus on racial inculcation
135	07:32	to specifically work with their children on the racism and discrimination
136	07:36	that they will experience outside of the home.
137	07:39	And some parents allow children to choose as they get older
138	07:42	the level of exposure to the culture of their birth families.
139	07:47	Now, we might look at these signs of progress
140	07:49	and think we've got it all figured out when it comes to transracial adoption.
141	07:54	The Korean adoptees were the first massive wave of international adoptions,
142	07:59	almost 30 years earlier than most other countries,
143	08:03	and so there are entire generations of Korean adoptees --
144	08:06	from children all the way to adults in their 70s --
145	08:11	dealing with the impact of their assimilation,
146	08:14	and there have only been a handful of studies
147	08:17	that follow transracial adoptees over a lifetime.
148	08:22	I know that people around me could not understand my adoption grief.
149	08:26	Rachel Rostad, another Korean adoptee, expressed what I was feeling
150	08:30	when she said,
151	08:32	"Loss is especially confusing to measure
152	08:35	when it appears as if I haven't lost anything at all.
153	08:40	It's not missing like an organ.
154	08:42	It's missing like wherever dreams go when you blink awake
155	08:46	into the morning light."
156	08:48	Every year, hundreds of South Korean adoptees
157	08:51	search for their birth families.
158	08:53	Korean agencies report that less than 15 percent are successful.
159	08:59	Last year, I found my Korean birth family in just three months.
160	09:05	I posted a photo of my redrawn tattoo on social media,
161	09:09	which Korean groups generously shared.
162	09:12	And a friend of my brother saw the photo,
163	09:15	and he knew instantly what the tattoo meant.
164	09:20	When my father decided to send us to children welfare services,
165	09:23	he was worried that we would be separated and even adopted into foreign countries.
166	09:30	And so he took the unusual step to place a large tattoo
167	09:34	on each of our arms
168	09:36	and on his own,
169	09:39	so that we could find each other someday.
170	09:42	And he tried searching for me.
171	09:45	And he was right:
172	09:48	the tattoo did eventually lead me to find the family that I had lost.
173	09:54	Unfortunately, he passed away nine years before he could see his children reunited.
174	10:00	But last year, I traveled to Korea to meet my two older brothers,
175	10:04	my aunt and uncle,
176	10:06	and I learned a lot of new things about myself,
177	10:09	including my real birth date,
178	10:11	which actually makes me seven months older.
179	10:13	(Laughter)
180	10:15	This middle-aged woman did not love hearing that she is older.
181	10:19	(Laughter)
182	10:21	And that explains all those gifted and talented classes I had in school.
183	10:24	(Laughter)
184	10:29	But the most important thing that I learned
185	10:32	was that I had a loving family in Korea
186	10:35	who remembered me as a little baby
187	10:39	and had never forgotten me.
188	10:42	I wasn't abandoned, like my adoption records said.
189	10:47	I was wanted.
190	10:51	It's time to reframe our views on adoption.
191	10:54	A healthy adoption ecosystem is one in which children,
192	10:59	adoptive families and birth families
193	11:02	each own their unique stories.
194	11:05	When these narratives are placed side by side,
195	11:08	it creates better empathy and policies for the lives that adoption impacts.
196	11:14	Here are two things that adults can do
197	11:17	to better protect adopted children's stories.
198	11:20	First, give children safe emotional spaces to express their emotions,
199	11:25	both positive and negative.
200	11:29	Phrases such as "tell me more,"
201	11:32	"what do you wish for"
202	11:34	and "those feelings are normal"
203	11:37	are ways that parents can grant emotional oxygen to their children.
204	11:42	Second, validate a child's adoption story.
205	11:47	Children may express emotions that may feel hurtful
206	11:51	or worry an adoptive parent.
207	11:54	As a parent, work to hold and manage your fears
208	11:57	separately from your child.
209	12:00	Always acknowledge your child's story as valid and important.
210	12:06	Now, it's natural to want to protect children
211	12:08	from experiencing pain.
212	12:12	But my tattoo is a poignant reminder that every adoption starts with loss,
213	12:17	and every child is affected differently.
214	12:20	Children who are adopted can live full, rich lives,
215	12:24	as we accept and build upon this unique set of cards that we were dealt.
216	12:30	And as you listen to our narratives with empathy,
217	12:33	you will hear other things as well:
218	12:36	childlike curiosity,
219	12:39	grace,
220	12:40	resilience,
221	12:42	courage,
222	12:44	love
223	12:46	and yes, even gratitude.
224	12:50	Thank you.
225	12:51	(Applause)

Sara Jones: My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee